WordPress decided to test my patience and deleted the entry I was in the process of finishing earlier. But no matter, it had little significance anyway, merely a frivolous documentation — for self-indulgent, analytical purposes — of the ridiculous affairs I manage to find myself in time and time again. For example…

Several years back, I met a guy with whom I grew extremely close. In order to uphold anonymity, I shall refer to him as “Hayden” here. I had always had commitment issues, but, strangely, that did not hold true for him. I adored him and the adoration was reciprocated. He was intelligent, good-looking, and kind, with a bit of a dorkiness to his dynamism, which I found charming. Unfortunately, though, unexpected family issues caused him to have to repeatedly uproot his home from city to city, whereby we would have no contact for months on end. But as Miyazawa alleged, “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” Without seeking any explanation or prospect for that particular future, I chose to move on. I decided that I didn’t need a significant other to make me happy; and although I now dispense an excessive amount of care and devotion to all those I deem worthy, I also recoil at the very thought of being in a relationship at this point in time. Not only do I have commitment issues towards romantic relationships again, my capacity to commit to certain objectives, beliefs, and so many others have also become infected with recreancy.

So, 4.5 years and a highly fortified heart later, what am I doing typing about all this? He came back, in all his shining glory, he came back barging into my life again yesterday. I was largely unaffected until be brought on an assessment of the concept of “love.” He proposes that humans use the word too naively, that it is often mistakenly associated to be an emotion when, in fact, it is not an emotion at all. Instead, it is an abstract goal for which people strive through a variety of actions with a culminated ramification of emotions. That proposition and the subsequent conversation that ensued quenched my withered heart’s desire for something sensational, something I hadn’t experienced in what felt like millenia — an intelligible conversation that proliferates into a vast array of questions unfathomable for the mere human mind… like a system of trichomes on a vascular plant root, intertwining and diverging at various points of interest. Perhaps this is the type of person who attracts me, one who can deliver tete-a-tetes that require more than the average number of neurons.

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Whether it’s due to the fact that I saw him again or because of the brilliant conversation we had yesterday that contributed to the extra bounce in my step I experienced today, I do not know. Whether I want to be thrown into that chaotic world of dating again or live my peaceful life, I do not know… although my brain is a bit biased towards “Nay” for the former.
…or maybe it’s all a side-effect of “that time of the month.” Silly little hormones, I shake my fist at you.

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